yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
