Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
