What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
