so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
