I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
