I hope mine doesn't look like that
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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