so that wasnt chicken after all
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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