Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
