the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
