you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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