did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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