so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize