OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
