You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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