I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
