Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
