He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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