Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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