You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
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