Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
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