I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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