I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize