I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i wish my penis had a tongue
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
