Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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