I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
