he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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