I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
