im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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