We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
