I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
