found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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