my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
