I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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