the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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