Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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