Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
