between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Alive.
So much puke
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
