I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
