dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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