i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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