Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
