I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
