We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
