You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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