Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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