why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
