Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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