Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
