I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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