Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Randomize