Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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