Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
