I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
