he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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