i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize