"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
