I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
