Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
