I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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